Genesis – Chapter 5

Many people were born, and they were related to… and lived this many years.

Person                                            Son of                                                 Years lived

Adam Not applicable 930
Seth Adam 912
Enos Seth 905
Cainen Enos 910
Mahalaleel Cainen 895
Jared Mahalaleel 962
Enoch Jared 365 (only 365, poor bastard!)
Methuselah Enoch 969
Lamech Methuselah 777
Noah Lamech Unknown
Shem Noah Unknown
Ham Noah Unknown
Japheth Noah Hey wait a minute, you only get 2… well, we’ll see.

And they ate grain from the field and fruits from the trees, wore adult diapers for at least 800 years, and refused to die.

Author’s note: Generally I re-write the chapter, but this is ridiculous enough without any help. The only part of the chapter that I left out was how old each of them was when they had their sons. It’s interesting there’s no mention of daughter’s at all… I guess we’re a few thousands years before bras were ablaze.

<<< Chapter 4 Chapter 6 >>>
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Genesis – Chapter 4

Adam and Eve enjoyed copious amounts of sex, and Eve eventually became pregnant.  They didn’t know what exactly was happening, Eve started to be sick all morning and gain weight and Adam was curiously attracted to her.  One day Eve dropped much water from her “pleasant place” as Adam referred to it, and then soon began to scream out in pain.  Adam started to call out to GOD, as he had no idea what was wrong.

“Um, why is she screaming like this?”

“She is to have a child.”

“A what?”

“A baby, a small person.. a little version of you.”


“Just hold her hand, place cool water on her forehead and watch.”

Adam followed GOD’s advice and a few hours later, a strange creature began to appear from the “pleasant place.”  The place stretched and bled, and Adam began to scream in agony with Eve.  He wasn’t feeling any pain, but his favorite toy was being destroyed and it pained him so.  Eventually, the child was born and they called him Cain.  Adam thought it was all finished but Eve continued to scream, and within moments, another child was born.  They named the second child Abel.

Cain and Abel grew up happily, frolicking in the garden and playing with the creatures therein.  Cain grew up to be a farmer of fruit and grain, and Abel bred creatures.  During the first Spring, Abel brought a young goat to the alter that Adam had created as a sanctum at which he could speak to GOD as a gift.  Cain brought some corn.

GOD was pleased with Abel’s gift of the goat, but when Cain showed up with his corn, the goat ate it.  Soon after, GOD showed up for his offerings and Cain had none to give.

“Ahem,” coughed GOD.

“Uhh… the goat ate it.”

GOD doesn’t believe this story at all and favors Abel for his gift.

Later when Cain and Abel were in the field, Cain yelled something about the goat and hit Abel in the head with a stone, killing him.

Just a couple of hours later, GOD came by to talk to Abel.  He looked around and didn’t see him, so GOD asked Cain where he was.

“Don’t know, not my day to watch him.”

GOD notices a puddle of blood on the ground and a mound of freshly tilled dirt.

“Where’d that blood come from?”

“That’s wine from my lunch, Abel hit me and I spilled it.”

“And that mound of dirt there?  What are you up to Cain?”

“Look, that asshole’s goat ate my gift to you… I’ve killed my brother.”

GOD decided to punish Cain, and removed him from the garden and made him marry and made.  Cain and his wife had a son.  They then moved and Cain established a city, naming it after his son, Detroit.

And Detroit had some kids, and his kids had kids, and on,  and on, and on…

<<< Chapter 3 Chapter 5 >>>
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Genesis – Chapter 3

On the morning of the 10th day, the woman awoke next to the man and as he slept she went to gather food.  The woman brought back food, and began to talk about the next day, and how they would live together, and do everything together and how wonderful everything would be.  Man grinned in response, and ate the food woman had gathered.

Man was instructed by GOD not to eat of the tree of dream and reality, as it was evil… and although man had no recognition of dream and reality yet, he knew that there was something evil about that tree as he had a foreboding feeling every time he looked upon it.  As woman spoke through the morning and the entirety of the day, he knew that something just wasn’t good about it.  He didn’t know what she meant when she talked about “marriage” or children, but he had a feeling in his stomach that it wasn’t good.  Man decided to call her Eve, as he thought that calling her “Evil” would be very harsh and make her talk even more although he felt it was an appropriate name.

As the day drew on, man was going crazy.  Eve wouldn’t close her mouth for more than three seconds, and she began to ridicule him for his belching and scratching, and then for everything he did.  So Adam went for a walk and was sitting under the tree of dream and reality when GOD noticed him looking up at the fruit.

“Hello Man, remember that the fruit of this tree is forbidden as food.”

“I know, that other creature is just driving me crazy!  Eve won’t close her mouth for more than a second.  She ridicules me, and is making plans about something called ‘marriage.’  I don’t even know what that is!  I just want her to go away and leave me alone.”

“You shouldn’t have given her that drink yesterday, and laid with her last night.”

“I just wanted to have some fun, it didn’t mean anything.”

“It did to her.”

“I know it did…”

“Well, remember that the fruit of this tree is poisonous and will kill you, you really should go find somewhere else to spend your time.  Maybe if you went and talked to Eve…”

With that, man reached up and grabbed a piece of the fruit and took a giant bite.  He was dead in moments.

“Ahhh damn!” exclaimed GOD.  GOD created another man, and named him “Ahhh damn.”  When the newly created man saw Eve, he introduced himself and Eve, with her ever moving lips took a break from talking, she repeated his name quickly as Adam.  From that point on, the man was Adam as Eve never spoke slowly.

GOD created a mountain in order to protect the tree of dream and reality from his creatures so no others would meet the same fate as the first man, and encased the tree within the mountain.

Adam and Even lived in the garden together, with no knowledge of the tree.

<<< Chapter 2 Chapter 4 >>>
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Genesis – Chapter 2

On the 8th day, GOD woke with a terrible hangover, and saw all the gifts laid out on his new planet.  There were trees and plants of all variety, and creatures crawling about the land and swimming in the great pools of tears which had been dropped the night before.

GOD and Zeus were both feeling horribly… and wanted some form of quite entertainment.  GOD decided he would make a creature to rule over the new planet, an upright standing creature.  He created man.  He told man that he could eat freely of all the plants and animals, save for one tree; the tree of dream and reality was off-limits.  GOD explained that the tree was poisonous and that should he eat of the tree, man would surely die.

Man wandered about, hunted the plentiful animals, cooked outdoors, belched and scratched himself as he pleased… and talked to himself, being the only creature on the planet capable of speech.  GOD decided that man should have a companion, a creature with whom to share his thoughts and ideas, a creature that would love him unconditionally.  And on this planet, in the garden which man lived, GOD did create such a creature.  Man had been allowed to name all manner of plants and animals as he chose too, and this new creature was no different.  Man saw this new creature, and called it “dog.”  Man and dog were inseparable, and were great friends.  Unfortunately, in his hungover state, GOD had neglected to create dog with the power of speech, so while man and dog were the best of friends and loved each other unconditionally, they could not talk to each other. Sure, man confided in dog his deepest secrets, but dog would just stare at him as it was unable to respond.

On day 9, GOD decided he would once again create a companion for man so that he may speak and share ideas, and otherwise have meaningful exchanges.  GOD put man into a deep sleep and stole one of his ribs (creating the bones was the hardest part of creature creation, and GOD didn’t want to spend ALL day at this.. he had a dinner party at Minerva’s house to get to) and created a new creature.   This new creature looked similar to man in that it stood upright and moved only using its hind legs.  When man awoke, he saw this new creature and his loins were set afire.  He called this new creature woman, and when man tried to talk to woman the first time, she just gave him a dirty look and turned away to marvel at the beauty of the environment.

Man had learned that if he mixed certain plants and grains together, and let them sit for a time they created a very pleasing drink.  Man had a gourd of this drink saved and he gave some to woman.  She smiled politely at him and took the drink, still refusing to speak to man.  Man repeated this offer, and woman accepted, throughout the 9th night, and by the time Neptune was in the sky, the man and woman were laying naked together, their bodies interlocked in a manner that was pleasing to both of them.

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Genesis – Chapter 1

Georgiano Olivicious Denario was a lonely man.  Being a magical and all powerful being in control of the entirety of existence is a lonely pedestal to be on.  Sure, he had some slightly less magical neighbors but all-in-all, he was “the man.”  One of his neighbors was Zeus, and Zeus always had trouble remembering Georgiano’s full name and stumbled each time he tried to say it as he had a lisp so he just abbreviated Georgiano’s name, calling him GOD.  This didn’t bother Georgiano much at all, he was frankly happy to have someone to talk to.  With so few beings in existence, GOD was happy to have someone to share things with.

GOD was putzing around in his garage one day (the area in the Universe we presently call Neptune) and he decided he’d build something new.  He’d built Venus and Mars and just sort of haphazardly placed them without realizing that he left a giant gap of emptiness between them.  GOD decided he’d build a giant, water covered planet and drop it in that empty space.  He had a new idea on how to build the core of a planet, and surround it with plates so that it would be easier to put together instead of one solid mass.  GOD built his new water covered planet and he had a beautiful view of it from Saturn, where he spends most of his time.

Zeus came over for a visit on day three, and GOD showed the new planet to him over a vanilla latte, and Zeus was thoroughly impressed.  They visited and GOD explained his new concept of planet construction and when Zeus left he was in awe.  The next day, Zeus came back over with gift for GOD.  He explained how impressed he was with the new planet and just thought that a congratulatory gift was in order.  GOD was very appreciative and slowly unwrapped his gift.  As he unwrapped the package, he could see an “As Seen on TV” logo in the corner of the item, and when he removed the paper completely he saw that it was “The Clapper”.  GOD had no idea what this item was, but Zeus eagerly explained to him that you plug it in, you just clap your hands and the light turns on.  GOD had been having trouble turning his Sun on and off, not because it was difficult to do so, but because he had, in a night of wiring while drunk on wine, placed the on/off switch on Mercury, which is a substantial distance from Saturn.  Zeus plugged “The Clapper” in and when GOD clapped  his hands, the Sun came on… and he thought it was good.  They drank wine and GOD repeatedly thanked Zeus for the thoughtful gift.  Now he wouldn’t have to get up and go all the way to Mercury every morning to start the “Period of increased illumination.”  They continued to enjoy each other’s company and copious amounts of wine, and eventually began to discuss the names of items.  GOD had a very bad habit of naming his creations with very long and descriptive names so that others could readily understand what he was talking about, but it made conversations cumbersome.

Zeus commented “Hey GOD, you know, you’re in charge around here… you could call your creations anything you really want.  We don’t need long descriptive explanations of everything.  You can call the “Period of increased illumination” something as simple as a guttural grunt and we’ll just go with it.”

At first, GOD was hesitant to rename his creations, but upon further reflection and prodding by Zeus he decided to change the name of this period to “Day”.  It was easy to say, easy to remember, and he was in charge so whatever he says is the way it is anyway.  Zeus thought it was a great new name, but then GOD had to change the name of “day’s” counterpart as well.  “Period of far less illumination than Day” didn’t  exactly roll off the tongue.  GOD thought for a moment and suggested that Day’s counterpart be called “Frillious,” but when Zeus tried to say it and it came out “Fweeweeious” because of his lisp, and GOD laughed hysterically.

“That damn lisp of yours!  How about something like… um…Night.  It’s simple, should be pretty easy to remember.  I bet even Minerva will be able to remembered it, and she’s a moron.”

“Night, I like that,” responded Zeus.   And so it was done.

On day four, GOD realized that his new method of planetary construction wasn’t as great as he had initially thought.  The core of the new planet was rumbling about, and it caused the plates surrounding to move incessantly.  As the plates grunted, groaned, and rubbed against each other, great rocky outcroppings reached for the sky, creating our mountains.  “Damn, I didn’t think it would do that.”

That evening, GOD was surprised by his neighbors with a “Congratulations” party for his new planet.  Zeus was the ring leader, and fancied himself a handsome man and thus purposely didn’t invite Mercury.  The ladies all thought Mercury was stunning, and when he was around, none of the women paid any attention to Zeus, or to any other males for that matter.    At any rate, the guests started to show up and they carried gifts of trees and animals, stars and sea creatures… all of which were gifts intended to “decorate” the new planet.  Mercury crashed the party and was already drunk already when he arrived.. and instead of chasing after one of the beautiful young goddesses in attendance, he purposely “hit on” Hestia (Zeus’s sister!) as he had heard she was easy… the rest of the ladies were so heart broken that they cried, and a torrent of tears fell… thus filling the seas with the salty tears of love lost.  They partied for 2 days and nights, and were all hung over on  Sunday… the seventh day, so they rested.

Chapter 2 >>>

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Pauper Dann’s Bible-Introduction

Being raised Catholic, I was fully “indoctrinated” by the time I was about 15.  I received my first communion (eating the “body” of Christ, creepy!), was an alter boy for years, and was “confirmed.”  I had alot of fun in the weekly classes, and even volunteered as a teacher’s aide one year for a class of younger children when I was in Junior High School.  As I grew older I began to question the premise of “blind faith” that is required of all religions and the idea of a “big magic guy” in the sky who created everything we see made less and less sense.  I am far more of a “seeing is believing” sort of person, and the whole “blind faith” just because that’s what I was told just didn’t sit well.  I’ve watched many documentaries on the topic, had numerous intelligent conversations on the subject (during one of my assignments in the US Army I had the privilege of being in a unit that had a Chaplain that was willing to have such conversations that we could both speak our sides of the discussion and finish as friendly as we had begun.  He was open to my discussion as I was to his, and we had several pleasant talks on the subject.

Mark Twain wrote a hilarious book entitled “The Bible According to Mark Twain” which my father owned I read many years ago. The part which is particularly entertaining is the sections regarding Adam and Eve. If you have an open mind and can appreciate the Bible being made fun of, I fully recommend this book.

As Christianity was, as an idea, passed down for hundreds of years through word of mouth by travelers only select stories survived.  There are numerous stories that were part of the original “Bible” (collection of religious stories told by travelers, before ANY of it was ever written down) that did not survive.  The books in the current “Bible” are the stories that were the most popular with the peasantry, and thus the most requested, or the books that the church deemed important as a method of endorsing its story and thus assisting in the exercise of control over the lives of those same peasants.  The Book of Judas has been uncovered, but you won’t find it in ANY “Bible” at all, as it discusses a different version of his story… one which would detract from the church’s version.

While I would never consider myself a writer on the same level of anyone published at all, let alone Twain, I wanted to write the modern/poor man’s version of the “Bible”.  Call it a guilty pleasure.  I love to write although I often have difficulty in coming up with topics.  This idea has been floating around in my head for years, and I figured it was high time to get it started.

If your mind is completely closed regarding options other than what the “Bible” says, or you are going to be offended as I make fun of it, you shouldn’t read any more of my writings in this category.  I am going to poke fun at the entire idea… that’s my purpose in this endeavor.  If you read on, I sincerely hope you enjoy it.

Chapter 1 >>>

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Yahtzee by Candlelight

A couple of weeks ago the power went out at my home, and my daughter and I were interrupted while watching a movie.  We scrambled for candles and once we found some, decided we would play Yahtzee.  We had all of the equipment, and began.  About half way through the game the power came back on.  I looked at my 11 year old daughter, who rarely wants to do much of anything with me says “Keep playing!”

Dad happily complied and we played 2 games, each winning one (she got 2 Yahtzee’s in the second game, and crushed me!).  I posted this on Facebook and the ensuing discussion was about how easy the game is, and anyone who has played it just once doesn’t need the score sheets to keep track.  While this is true, I thought I would make a score sheet anyway.  So, here it is:

Yahtzee Scoresheet in Excel

The math is done for you. Now go grab your kids, turn out the lights, burn some candles and make some memories!

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