Adam and Eve enjoyed copious amounts of sex, and Eve eventually became pregnant. They didn’t know what exactly was happening, Eve started to be sick all morning and gain weight and Adam was curiously attracted to her. One day Eve dropped much water from her “pleasant place” as Adam referred to it, and then soon began to scream out in pain. Adam started to call out to GOD, as he had no idea what was wrong.
“Um, why is she screaming like this?”
“She is to have a child.”
“A baby, a small person.. a little version of you.”
“Just hold her hand, place cool water on her forehead and watch.”
Adam followed GOD’s advice and a few hours later, a strange creature began to appear from the “pleasant place.” The place stretched and bled, and Adam began to scream in agony with Eve. He wasn’t feeling any pain, but his favorite toy was being destroyed and it pained him so. Eventually, the child was born and they called him Cain. Adam thought it was all finished but Eve continued to scream, and within moments, another child was born. They named the second child Abel.
Cain and Abel grew up happily, frolicking in the garden and playing with the creatures therein. Cain grew up to be a farmer of fruit and grain, and Abel bred creatures. During the first Spring, Abel brought a young goat to the alter that Adam had created as a sanctum at which he could speak to GOD as a gift. Cain brought some corn.
GOD was pleased with Abel’s gift of the goat, but when Cain showed up with his corn, the goat ate it. Soon after, GOD showed up for his offerings and Cain had none to give.
“Ahem,” coughed GOD.
“Uhh… the goat ate it.”
GOD doesn’t believe this story at all and favors Abel for his gift.
Later when Cain and Abel were in the field, Cain yelled something about the goat and hit Abel in the head with a stone, killing him.
Just a couple of hours later, GOD came by to talk to Abel. He looked around and didn’t see him, so GOD asked Cain where he was.
“Don’t know, not my day to watch him.”
GOD notices a puddle of blood on the ground and a mound of freshly tilled dirt.
“Where’d that blood come from?”
“That’s wine from my lunch, Abel hit me and I spilled it.”
“And that mound of dirt there? What are you up to Cain?”
“Look, that asshole’s goat ate my gift to you… I’ve killed my brother.”
GOD decided to punish Cain, and removed him from the garden and made him marry and made. Cain and his wife had a son. They then moved and Cain established a city, naming it after his son, Detroit.
And Detroit had some kids, and his kids had kids, and on, and on, and on…
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