Lovers Monopoly

     So I am driving today and talking to a friend and they mentioned they were playing Monopoly with ONE of their kids… and it occurred to me that while it’s awesome that you are playing with your kids, two person Monopoly just sucks.  

     Then I thought, wouldn’t it be cool if there was a way for just two people to play Monopoly and have it actually be fun?  Hell yeah it would! I am guessing that just about everyone has some flavor of Monopoly game… on your gaming console, the original board version, maybe on a phone.  As I continued my drive I thought of some subtle rule changes that would make Monopoly a GREAT two person game for a couple.

     The next night when you and your significant other need a break, but don’t feel like going anywhere, put the kids to bed and lock yourself in your bedroom.  Grab whatever “flavor” Monopoly game you have and follow these rule changes.  I bet you’ll have a great night!

Preparing to play:

-All TV’s and radios must be OFF.  Not muted, not turned down low… OFF!  If agreed upon, you can play some casual music (nothing crazy fast), and you both MUST agree on the selection.  If you can’t agree, turn it off.

-You must get dressed appropriately to play.  You are REQUIRED to wear 4 specific items of clothing, and nothing else(no hats, socks, shoes, jewelry, etc…).

-Ladies, a shirt, pants or skirt, your sexiest bra and your most delicious undies are your four items.

-Gentlemen, you will wear hat, shirt, pants and undies (in tact, no holes, clean!).

-You need a small amount of your beverage of choice.  Nothing crazy strong, this isn’t a drinking game, but something that will loosen you up and help you relax.

-A bowl of cherries, grapes or strawberries

-Place a piece of paper over “Jail”, and on it write “Honeymoon Suite”

-Place all the property cards face down and mix them up.  Each player selects a property at random.  Show that property to your partner and then write them both down so you don’t forget.  This will be your “Special Property”

Rule Updates:

1)  Set up the board the way you normally would, and instead of sitting across from each other, sit on the floor next to each other.  You must HOLD HANDS, and you’re not allowed to let go.  You’ll play the entire game one handed, unless a rule stated below makes that impractical.  That you are the banker is not a reason.. just do it one handed, you’ll be fine.

2) Each time someone passes “GO”, they get the normal payment from the bank, AND A KISS FROM THEIR PARTNER.

3) If you land on “FREE PARKING”, your partner must tell you something they love about you.

4) Trades are always a problem with playing with only two players, so here’s how you handle it (NO EXCEPTIONS).  When your partner offers you a trade completely involving properties for which you do not have all of the matches (if you have all of a color and have yet to build, this rule does NOT apply), the trade offer must be for the purchase price, plus $100 per property you are trading away, and you are NOT allowed to refuse the trade.Railroads and utilities cannot be traded using this rule.

5) Free Parking. If you land on free parking, you receive your normal cash reward, and your partner MUST tell you something they love about you. It has to be something about your partner. “I love that you gave me kids,” or something along those lines is unacceptable. “I love it when you smile at me,” or simillar comments are appropriate.

6) Honeymoon Suite. If one of you is sent to “Jail” via a card or rolling doubles excessively, both players MUST move their markers to that space on the board immediately. Whoever was originally sent there must then hold both of their partners hands and apologize for a small/irritating thing you did today, and promise to work on it. If there’s nothing to apologize for, give them another reason you love them. The other player then rolls as normal and the game continues. The player that was originally sent there is not required to skip any turns. Move on with the game as normal.

7) Railroads and Utilities. If you land on any railroad or utility, play that turn as usual. Upon completion, and before your opponent takes a turn, place the piece of fruit you have (berries, cherries or grapes) between your lips, and “feed” it to your partner.

8) Changes to rent. There are a couple of instances in which the rent you must pay when landing on a piece of property is different than the regular game.

8a) When you land on a property upon which your partner has built 1 or 2 houses, you must take a small sip of your beverage.

8b) When you land on a property upon which your partner has built 3 houses, you must remove one of the four items of clothing. The order in which they must be removed is the order they are listed above.

8c) If you land on Income tax, you must pay your income tax, and spend 5 minutes rubbing your partners shoulders.  This is part of YOUR payment to the game, you are not receiving it.

8d) If you happen to land on Boardwalk and it has a hotel built on it, you must “satisfy” your partner. This is FOR THEM, so make sure they are happy.

9) Your Special Property.If during the course of the game, you manage to own and build a hotel upon your Special Property, upon the completion of the game you are entitled to receive any intimate act of your choosing from your partner. The request has to be something that your partner would normally do.

So, pick a night and give it a shot! Let me know how you like the game… and if you can even get all the way through it.

Have fun!

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