Your Local Election

Good morning dear reader.

Today is my first post.  It’s my first opportunity to piss people off, and while not the goal, if the readership turns out to be a cross section of America, then it will undoubtedly generate that result for many.

This morning, I’d like to talk to you about voting.  Voting for your local sheriff, your judges, your mayor.  When voting for anyone in your immediate government, this message will apply.  Please tighten the strap on your helmet, fasten your seat belt, and god damn make sure that tray table is in it’s upright position (everyone knows that tray tables being in the down position on an aircraft during takeoff and landing generates excessive gravitational force on the aircraft, increasing drag, and enhancing the probability of an accident!).

During your next local election, I’d personally appreciate it if you did NOT vote.  It is your civic duty to skip work for a few hours to accomplish a task that will only take you a few minutes; you’ll use the rest of the time to take a longer than normal lunch, or run some errands… anything you’d rather do than wait on impatient and rude customers, or whatever it is you do to receive a paycheck periodically.  We, as citizens, owe it to each other to make informed decisions and select the most qualified person for a specific office, while ensuring that their inclinations and campaign lies, er… promises are in line with our moral desires.  We suck at this.

As the next election time draws near, please take note of who has the most signs with their name on it plastered in your neighborhood yards.  Look for the candidate with the largest picture of themselves on the most billboards.  Pay attention to who is standing at a busy street corner waving at your, while standing adjacent to a sign with a candidates name on it (If I am running for office, I am going to buy signs with my name, and pay some unemployed, middle aged, white male and have HIM stand by the sign and wave, thereby stimulating the local economy and freeing me to conduct other political activities such as screw the elderly out of their health care and steal candy from babies).  I will have no billboards with my picture; they will only have my name and pretentious buzz words that will make you want to vote for me regardless of their truth or applicability: honest, hard working, family man, Christian (we’ll get to this later).  I saw a bumper sticker years ago that said “he who dies with the most toys, wins”.  Well, in an election, he who puts up the most signs and shakes the most hands, wins.  Name recognition, baby!  You can have a sweatshop in your garage and a poppy field in your backyard, make enough signs and wave at enough cars and you can get elected (right Marion Barry?!?).

While we owe it to each other to vote for the best qualified candidate, that “IOU” comes with the obligation to do your research so that you can make an intelligent selection.  If you’re not willing to do the homework, please don’t bother taking the test.  You’ll fail, and you’ll cause the rest of us to fail as well.

Just take those couple of hours you were going to use to vote and play with your kids.  No, not Playstation or Xbox… play catch, read a book, do SOMETHING that will help them become a useful and productive part of society.  We’ve already got a TON of strong thumbs coupled with weak minds.

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